NALINA; every beat of my heart

♥ Sunday, March 25, 2007

2:07 AM

AND WHILE IM IN THIS RANTING MODE EVERYTHING IS GONNA COME OUT JUST THE WAY I WANT IT TO BE.
I'VE HELD THIS IN FOR SO DAMN LONG I CANT HOLD IT IN ANYMORE.

FIRST OF ALL.
COUNCIL.

WHY DO YOU ALL THINK I HAVENT BEEN GOING FOR SO MANY FUCKING MEETINGS?
YOU KNOW WHY?
COS OF THE PI, I'VE FUCKING INCURRED THE WRATH OF ALL THE FUCKING JUNIORS.
THEY COMPLAIN, THEY CURSE, THEY SPAM MY BLOG.
EVEN THOSE THAT WERE OKAY WITH ME BACK THEN ARE NOW NOT FUCKING TALKING TO ME.
THEY FUCKING LISTEN TO THEIR FRIENDS AND THEN THEY'RE FUCKING ANGRY WITH ME FOR WHATEVER FUCKING THINGS I SAID TO THEM IN MY OWN FUCKING HONEST OPINION.

CRYSTAL CHAN WAS RIGHT.
I DIDNT NEED TO SAY SO MANY THINGS.
I DIDNT FUCKING NEED TO FUCKING STAY BACK ON THAT FUCKING DAY TO FUCKING GET FUCKING CRITICIZED BY THE FUCKING INTERVIEWEES.

IM NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING IN RETURN.
BUT AT LEAST LEAVE ME IN PEACE OR A LITTLE FREAKING RECOGNITION IN THIS FUCKING THING.
IM FINE WITH BEING A NORMAL MEMBER WORKING WITH YOU ALL,
BUT THEY'RE NOT.
IM FINE WORKING MY ASS OFF GOING FOR MEETINGS AND PLANNING GAMES AND AT THE END OF IT ALL GET THE SAME POINTS FOR COUNCIL AS THE CHINA SCHOLARS WHO DONT DO ANYTHING AT ALL.
IM FUCKING FINE WITH ALL OF THIS.

BUT I DONT FUCKING NEED THE FUCKING JUNIORS TO FUCKING PISS ME OFF AND MAKE MY FUCKING LIFE FUCKING MISERABLE.
I REALLY DONT FUCKING NEED IT.

SECOND OF ALL.
DANCE.

I CANT FUCKING STAND THE FUCKING JUNIORS ANY FUCKING MORE.
READ THE LAST POST.

DANCE AND COUNCIL.
I WANT TO FUCKING BALANCE BOTH OF THEM BUT I CANT FUCKING CANT COS OF THE FUCKING JUNIORS POKING THEIR FUCKING NOSES IN EVERY FUCKING THING I FUCKING DO.
I AM FUCKING BUAY SONG NOW.
I REALLY CANT HOLD IT IN.
IF I FUCKING HOLD ALL THESE IN IM GONNA FUCKING BURST AND SLASH MY WRIST AND IT'S NOT LIKE THAT FIRST TIME IM FUCKING DOING THAT.
BUT NOW IM NOT SO FUCKING STUPID TO FUCKING DO THAT BECAUSE I HAVE A LIFE.

I PUT DANCE IN FRONT OF COUNCIL AND KENA BY COUNCILLORS.
I PUT COUNCIL BEFORE DANCE AND I KENA BY TEACHER.

SO WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?
FUCKING SLICE MY BODY IN HALF?
IT'S NOT GONNA FUCKING HELP COS I'LL BE FUCKING DEAD BY THEN.

IF YOU CANT STOP A JUNIOR FROM USING VULGARITIES,
THEN WHAT CAN YOU DO TO ME?

KICK ME OUT?
FINE!
BECAUSE AT LEAST I'LL HAVE MY MIND AND MY BODY INTACT.
SO YOU CAN FUCKING SUE ME FOR WHATEVER FUCKING THING I FUCKING SAID.
YOU CAN GET ANGRY, IM NOT SAYING YOU CANT.
BUT FIND MY FAULT IN THIS ENTIRE FUCKING MATTER.

THAT TIME I REALLY WANTED TO QUIT COUNCIL.
YOU KNOW WHY?
IT WASNT COS I COULDNT TAKE THE SPAMMING THING.
THAT'S NOT IT.

IT'S COS I COULDNT TAKE IT BEING INSULTED HANDS DOWN.
I COULDNT TAKE IT THAT PPL KNEW WHO THE PERPETRATORS WERE BUT REFUSED TO TELL ME.
BUT, THE PERSON HAD TO CHOOSE TO SIDE ME OR THE PERPETRATORS.
EITHER OR.
I DIDNT WANT THE PERSON WHO KNEW TO TELL ME AND CAUSE A PROBLEM WITH THE PERSON WHO TOLD HIM.SO I CHOSE TO JUST QUIT.
TO LOOK LIKE I FUCKING GAVE UP AND I FUCKING LOST.

I DIDNT WANT MY FRIENDS TO LOSE THEIR FRIENDS ON THE EITHER SIDE.
WHY NOT JUST LOSE ME?
I DIDNT REALLY CARE THEN.

ALL THOSE ENCOURAGERS ON MY BLOG..
SOME ARE FAKE, SOME ARE REAL.
SOME ACTUALLY KNEW WHO THOSE PPL WERE, BUT REFUSED TO TELL ME.
AND I TOOK IT.. THAT THEY WERE ON THEIR OTHER FRIEND'S SIDE.
AND THIS DEEP WRENCHING IN MY HEART JUST WOULDNT STOP PERSISTING.

GIVING UP WAS ALL IT TOOK TO RELEASE THAT.
I REALLY WANTED TO.
BUT MR CHUA DIDNT ALLOW ME.

I FUCKING TRY AND MAKE SACRIFACES.
AND I GET ALL THESE BACK.
I JUST DONT GET IT.
I REALLY JUST DONT GET IT.

bursting; flooding
wrenching; twisting
pain; anger

♥ Sunday, March 25, 2007

2:07 AM